Struggling and protesting, Ainagul fought with the would-be groom’s family for hours as they tried to slip the wedding shawl symbolizing her submission to the marriage onto her head. Finally, the family tired of her resistance and let her go free, showering curses on her as soon as she had gone. The family was angry, and Ainagul was shaken. The young man was losing hope. Would he ever find a wife? Not long after, however, the young man tried again, kidnapping a second girl. After a much shorter struggle, this one agreed to stay and became his wife. Happy and content, the couple was ready to settle down and start a family.
Wait a minute! Why weren’t the police called? These people were forcing girls to marry men they did not want to marry! What about the girls’ rights? How can the groom’s family just do this to the girls? Simply…it’s tradition. In the country of Kyrgyzstan, bride kidnappings have been accepted as the custom. In fact, a third of the marriages in Kyrgyzstan result from nonconsensual kidnappings. The kidnappings are not always nonconsensual, however. To keep the tradition, some couples even plan together when the kidnapping will occur, so that after a pretend struggle, the young man can carry away his bride as a sort of elopement.
According to recent studies, the rate of these abductions in Kyrgyzstan has been steadily growing for the past 50 years, and even more so in the last decade. When the young man’s family doesn’t have enough money to pay the full dowry, they kidnap her, and oftentimes the dowry price is reduced to one third of the normal amount. Also, Kyrgyz men say kidnapping a girl is a lot easier than courtship. Besides, how else could the young people find spouses, one Kyrgyz man wanted to know.
Some Kyrgyz people are not quite sure about the tradition, however, as the marriages resulting from kidnappings do not always turn out well. One young girl hung herself four days into her marriage; the girl’s father suspected that the young man had forced the girl into the marriage against her will and then not treated her well.
The practice of bride kidnapping has been illegal for many years, first under the Soviet Union and now more recently under the 1994 Kyrgyz criminal code, but this law is rarely enforced, and few people even know it’s illegal.
A couple years ago, a Canadian filmmaker, Petr Lom, interested in the subject of bride kidnapping, went to Kyrgyzstan and filmed several kidnappings as they were planned and carried out. In one scene of Petr’s documentary, The Kidnapped Bride, a young Kyrgyz man’s relatives sit outside their home discussing how to choose a bride and waiting for the young man and his friends to return with the girl he has kidnapped.
“Beauty isn’t important,” one old lady comments, “Pretty girls are lazy.”
Soon, the kidnapped girl arrives and is dragged protesting into the house. The women of the groom’s family surround the girl, each trying to place the white wedding scarf on the girl’s head.
“Don’t resist,” one woman warns, “We’ve made so many girls stay.” Others try to convince the girl by telling her that they were kidnapped too. Some tell the girl that she should be thankful she was kidnapped, for she is getting old—twenty-five—and is still unmarried. Finally, the girl succumbs and agrees to marry the man.
When Petr Lom returns a few days later, he finds the couple satisfied with their marriage. “Only one in 100 Kyrgyz girls marries her true love,” the girl tells Petr. “After the kidnapping, you’ve no choice. You start loving, even if you don’t want to. You have to build a life.”
The husband seems quite pleased to have finally found a wife. “We’re happy,” he says, “Keep visiting, and we’ll be happier.”
Perhaps a rather repulsive tradition, yes, but after all, as the old Kyrgyz saying goes, “Every good marriage begins in tears.”
What a crazy tradition! I don’t think I could handle it.
“..as the old Kyrgyz saying goes, “Every good marriage begins in tears….
The young man was losing hope. Would he ever find a wife? Not long after, however, the young man tried again, kidnapping a second girl. ”
Alright, that’s kind of funny, in a weird way. :) It’s very, very sad though, makes you feel very thankful that you’re an American.
What’s wrong with this way of matrimony? Personally, I think this is the best way to get a girl. If they don’t like it, it’s not our fault. Why complain? They are in submission to men, so if we want to get a girl in this way, than we can. I don’t understand why you’re so upset. There is absolutely nothing unbiblical, or wrong in any way with this method.
I sincerely hope you are kidding. I think you can make a very strong argument that this method is unbiblical, but I’ll let others deal with that (I do not have the time to look up the Bible passages that speak of fathers giving away their daughters in marriage to an appropiate suiter).
“Personally, I think this is the best way to get a girl. If they don’t like it, it’s not our fault.”
Once again, I sincerely hope you are kidding. This is without a doubt the WORST way to “get” a girl, simply because the girl will be miserable and unhappy. But perhaps men should disregard the Bible’s admonishment and not give a hoot about the feelings of the opposite sex, as you seem to do.
If I decide I want to throw you in prison just because I feel like it, even though you have committed no crime, it’s not my fault if you don’t like it. Why complain?
“They are in submission to men, so if we want to get a girl in this way, than we can.”
The Bible says that wives should be submissive to their husbands. The Bible doesn’t say men can treat women like cattle or objects to be stolen with or bartered.
“There is absolutely nothing . . . wrong in any way with this method.”
This “method” isn’t even valid marriage, it’s essentially rape.
Thank you, Mr. Wallace! Someone just try it on me…
Here is what is fundamentally wrong with this.
The Bible admonishes husbands to love their wives AS THEMSELVES.
Any man who would kidnap a woman and force her to marry himself against her will is CLEARLY NOT DOING SO OUT OF LOVE. He is doing so out of selfishness and probably lust.
Well maybe he is kidnapping her, BECAUSE he loves her. I’m sure that in time she will learn to love him.
Anonymous – it’s true that wives should be in submission to their husbands. However, just their husbands. The guy doing the kidnapping wouldn’t be her husband yet.
Besides that, it’s just not nice.
well i think it is fine,,actually doesnt all woman imagine being taken away and forced to something they soon will like??a handsome stranger in the night?.. i am sure most of these marrages turn out well and they make a good family
I am Kyrgyz, I have observed, heard and experienced this or that kind of bride kidnapping. But one thing makes me wonder: There are many families who are happily married for many years and till the end of their lives. Unlike many Western and marriage by love, this marriage seems stable. I maybe wrong, this is just what i feel now
Ugh. Nasty. Who knows what kind of man would pick you up, and what kind of family he is from. Disgusting. Shame on anyone for thinking that this is acceptable.